Venting

Kids,

I have not been out here in quite a while. I have let life and time get in the way of putting down my thoughts.

We have all been sick off and on since before Thanksgiving. I am so done with being sick!

I am at my wits end with Robert still.
I so want him to be an easier child for me, he seems to challenge me at every turn.

I am heart broken over the fact that I can not "encourage" him to be the child, the student, the human I hope him to be. I KNOW that he is going to grow up into something wonderful, something magical! He is going to do great things. He is a child with such potential, such ability... I just have to help him focus his energies, focus his goals, his dreams, his hopes, his desires.
He will become all he is meant to be.

In spite of me and not because of me I know.

It is my weakness as a mother and a teacher that are in question here.
I do not want to fail him. I want to challenge him, inspire him, encourage him and motivate him to grow into who eve he is meant to be. I want to be a part, even a small part of what makes him what he is to be!

Abigail my little girlie, you challenge me in your own ways. You are brilliant, talented and magical. You have a spark in you that shines brighter everyday and you refuse to be silent. I fell like my job with you is to do my best to stay out of the way of your learning. You are set to go off like a rocket into the stratosphere.

Casey, college and work are your current challenges. I see your desire to be independent, on your own, your own man as it where. I also see you struggling with money and time issues... such is life my son, it is always one or the other. You have become quite a wonderful person Casey, your smart, loving and thoughtful. I like who you are as much as I love you. You are proof that children grow into the adults they are meant to be in spite of their parents not because of them.

I am in awe of you my children. All of you amazing, beautiful and smart beyond your years.

I am grateful for each and everyone of you. I am grateful to be your mother. I am grateful that I have been here to watch you grow, learn and change first hand.

As always I love you,

Mama

Frustration

Kids,

I am having one of those days where I feel like I am failing as a mother.

The last few weeks have been hard for me. Casey you had an incident that you are fully ready to be over and put behind you but I on the other hand see it as something I need to worry about still.

Robby you are acting out in ways that I can not understand and do not know how to fix or control.

Abby you are still my little love, just a baby, and is acting as you should for this age. You are having tantrums, getting into everything and driving your brothers crazy.

I try to do everything. I am trying to be the best mother, teacher, cook, keeper of the nest that I can be and yet I feel like I am failing on every level.

No one ever said being a parent is easy, but no one ever told us how much work it is either.

There are days where I am so full of fear and regret every choice I have ever made with each of you. Should I have been harder on you. Should I have forced school, homework, and activities on you that you did not want. Should I have pushed you to grow up sooner and take on more challenges for yourselves.

I am having a hard day today and need time to regroup, take a few deep breaths and start again.

I love each of you so much it hurts me to think I am failing you some how, by my actions or my inaction.

Mama

M.O.T.

My Children,

We went to the Museum of Tolerance this week. What an experience... I do not know how you could go to that and not be touched on such a deep powerful level.

Abby you did not seem to be aware of all the details and as such where not effected by all of the information being fed to us. BUT Robby was just old enough to start to have his eyes opened to mans cruelty to man. Casey, you my boy seem to feel and see the most. I can not imagine what this meant to you. As sick as it made me feel it must of turned your tummy too.

In the last part of the walk through, we all sat in a model of a gas chamber. I wept holding Abby while she slept... Even the thought of this place seemed more then I could bare. I learned more then I ever knew before. I thought of myself as a learned person, and yet I knew nothing. I think everyone should have to go to that museum and everyone should experience that for themselves. It really is life changing.

Never again can we sit back and claim we did not know.

I love you all and cherish who you are.

The Constitution

Kids, This week a bill was brought before the Senate to make the first stab at changing the Constitution of this country. Fear driven hate mongers want to make this country a place of discrimination for one segment of our population; Same sex couples. Even though there is reams of medical documentation to support the fact that people are born the way they are. The Fear driven hate mongers dressed as the religious clothing are trying to change the greatest laws of our land to support their ideas of hate, discrimination and separation. Fear not my children for I will always be with you. I will always be your mother and as long as I have breath in my body I will do all in my power to raise you up to be strong, independent, free thinking people. Follow your hearts, fight for what is right and just. This is but the start of a long battle for equal rights for ALL of this countries citizens and not just the privileged few. May I do a good job at raising you all to always choose to stand up for what is right. I love you all, Mama

Election Day

Kids,

I went and did my American duty today and voted. I was part of the great machine that helps keep American running. At least I try to look at it that way. There are days like today that make me question my belief in the system.

I did not like any of the choices I was given. Today I feel like the whole idea of choice is only designed to pacify the masses into thinking they can choose.

ON THE OTHER HAND... The turn out for elections is always slight and unless an issue that stirs the voters out of fear to vote then very few get off the couch and do express themselves. SO... If more people voted on a regular basis then maybe more choices will be available for all of us.

I did vote against a proposition that I did not like (82) and I voted for one I did (81), neither one is likely to pass.

I am so unhappy with the government these days. I dislike who is in the white house, I dislike the path of many of the leaders of the states and even the few politicians I did like and thought would do GREAT things for all of us as a country have now turned tail and are talking out of both sides of their mouths.

I hope to raise you all to vote with your head and with your heart. THINK for yourself and make the best choice for you even if it is not the popular choice.

What is popular is not always right and what is right is not often the easy choice.

I love you all,

Mama

Listen up

Hey, Today I got up thinking about how fast time is going. I know everyone always says that... But is is so very true. I do not know where the time has gone. Casey is almost 17 and I do not know where the time went. Robby just turned 7 and Abby will be 3 in less them 3 months. Where has all the time gone? I am trying to do the best I can for all of you. I am homeschooling all of you so that your talents can shine through. I want to be able to help mold you and guide you into loving, thinking adults who are able to reason out for themselves what is right and wrong. I want to raise adults that will be motivated to work for the changes that need to take place in this world. I am giving you Casey so much more freedom them I ever had. I just want you to show some direction. Show me that you are growing, thriving and changing... That you have some drive. Besides video games and your girlfriend. I think you are so smart, so talented, so creative and so unmotivated. You behave like someone that has given up on moving forward. My little bird that has looked out over the edge the nest and doesn't like what he sees so your staying put. Son, you do not have to leap today, but at least show me that your growing and changing in that direction. Your favorite excuse is "I'm just Lazy"... No son that is not true, your just scared. You do not know what Adulthood brings and are afraid of the changes that are to come. You will be fine, you will excel and you will be the wonderful adult I know you are meant to be. May you change the world with your brilliantness. Robby I am having to push you. You are SO very smart, scary smart sometimes but you have no drive to excel on your own. You are happy to play, watch TV and fight with you siblings most days. When I push you however the changes are amazing, the level that you can grow to has no limit. I will continue to encourage you to become the great mind and the great person you are meant to be. Abby you amaze us every day. You KNOW things all on your own that we can not believe you know. You hunger for more and more knowledge. You seek me out to work with you, teach you , interact with you. I can not even begin to image where you will be in a year or ten or twenty. You are all so smart, so wonderful, so talented, so brilliant. I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have you as my children. I love you and adore you all. Mama

Cleaning house...

Children,

Today I am doing a major over haul clean up job. I am washing down the walls and shampooing the carpets trying desperately to make our home look like those beautiful show homes we go and ogle at on the weekends sometimes.

Part of me realizes that spending to much time on this is a mute point at best because it will not stay clean long enough to really enjoy it. The other part of me is terrified that if I do not at least try to keep up with this never ending battle that one day I will wake up and be over come by a huge pile of dirt, dust and filth and I will not even be able to get of my room. I will be on the six o'clock news like one of those crazy ladies I have seen off and on through out my life that have twenty years of trash, newspapers and old food cartoons in there homes because they just let it get away from them! YIKES!

So I dash around washing and scrubbing, putting away, picking up, doing wash and changing sheets... And pausing to cry here and there... As I wash away a small handprint from the full length mirror I think that same little hand print will never be duplicated, the little kiss prints on the back door that are so hard to wash off are physical memories of the day I sent you outside to play and you all wanted back in so much that you stood at the back door pressing your faces against the glass and made kissy fish faces to get my attention, all signs of moments in time that have come and gone.

So I go back to cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, washing dishes and shampooing carpets but maybe, just maybe I will leave a few of those little hand prints, just for now so I have some tangible memories to look at.

Always,


Your Mama